letter to a black hole
A reader, who should remain anonymous, sent this letter simply to share with me, but I, being the voyeur that I am, felt it too raw not to publish. I was especially touched by writer’s profound awareness of her situation. How no resolution will come. And how much that hurts. Enjoy.
Happy birthday. I wish I could send this to you. I miss you. I have been dating… a lot actually and every one of them makes me miss you. They all are missing something… and I think I know what it is. They are not you. They are either not as funny, not as smart, or don’t have a beard, or don’t know our inside jokes. I know this is totally unfair to them. How are they supposed to make up for the comparison to a 3 year relationship? I don’t know, I think that I will never be able to let any of them in. I don’t know that I want to. I wish I could forget about you.. I wish that so many things did not remind me of you. I went to the baseball game and I swear I turned around and thought that you would be next to me. How sad is that? How stupid am I? Every time I think of you I hate myself a little more. I am planning on leaving Michigan to get away from our memories. I cannot take it. I can’t stand only being 10 minutes away from you. I cringe every time I come to your city. I cringe when I see photos of you. I cringe when I have to do things that I thought we would be doing together. I hate being there and you are not. I cannot wait to get out of here. I hope it will ease the memories if I am not constantly around the things that we did together. Sometimes I hate hearing songs that remind me of us. I have to skip a lot of songs on my ipod. The one that you gave me. Even when I hear new bands or songs I think man I wish I could tell you about this band, I think you would like them.
You know someone asked me recently if I am a man-hater now or bitter when I told them that I had been in a three year relationship that ended as our did. I was taken aback. I don’t think I am. But maybe I am, maybe I am flawed… I don’t know if I was before we broke up or because we did. Maybe it is why we broke up. I hope that one day I can be fixed, but I think not. I think I will wonder the planet visiting different countries alone and still be the same screwed up person I am today. Maybe, though I will eventually be okay with it. Maybe one day I can look back and be happy for the time I had with you. I don’t think so though. My life feels odd now, it is not grounded. I feel aimless. Even though I have goals, I feel like I am floating around without being able to concentrate. I make up things I want to do but I am lost. It is odd to realize you have nothing to share with anyone. No one to care just about you. To share intimate details with. You could be happy and I won’t know. I wanted to be happy with you and now it will not be. You will live a separate life and continue on without me. That kills me.
Some days I succeed more than others. But more often than not something triggers a memory of you and I am back to square one. I wish I could send this to you. I wish that our last conservation didn’t end like it did. You saying you hoped it wouldn’t be our last one and me hoping as well, but knowing it would be. Sigh. I hate this.
Filed under: stories of heartbreak | 10 Comments