letter to a black hole

19Aug09

A reader, who should remain anonymous, sent this letter simply to share with me, but I, being the voyeur that I am, felt it too raw not to publish. I was especially touched by writer’s profound awareness of her situation. How no resolution will come. And how much that hurts. Enjoy.

letter to a black holeDear ex-boyfriend,

Happy birthday.  I wish I could send this to you.  I miss you.  I have been dating… a lot actually and every one of them makes me miss you.  They all are missing something… and I think I know what it is.  They are not you.  They are either not as funny, not as smart, or don’t have a beard, or don’t know our inside jokes.  I know this is totally unfair to them.  How are they supposed to make up for the comparison to a 3 year relationship?  I don’t know, I think that I will never be able to let any of them in.  I don’t know that I want to.  I wish I could forget about you.. I wish that so many things did not remind me of you.  I went to the baseball game and I swear I turned around and thought that you would be next to me.  How sad is that?  How stupid am I?  Every time I think of you I hate myself a little more.  I am planning on leaving Michigan to get away from our memories.  I cannot take it.  I can’t stand only being 10 minutes away from you.  I cringe every time I come to your city.  I cringe when I see photos of you.  I cringe when I have to do things that I thought we would be doing together.  I hate being there and you are not.  I cannot wait to get out of here.  I hope it will ease the memories if I am not constantly around the things that we did together.  Sometimes I hate hearing songs that remind me of us.  I have to skip a lot of songs on my ipod.  The one that you gave me.  Even when I hear new bands or songs I think man I wish I could tell you about this band, I think you would like them.

You know someone asked me recently if I am a man-hater now or bitter when I told them that I had been in a three year relationship that ended as our did.  I was taken aback.  I don’t think I am.  But maybe I am, maybe I am flawed… I don’t know if I was before we broke up or because we did.  Maybe it is why we broke up.  I hope that one day I can be fixed, but I think not.  I think I will wonder the planet visiting different countries alone and still be the same screwed up person I am today.  Maybe, though I will eventually be okay with it.  Maybe one day I can look back and be happy for the time I had with you.  I don’t think so though.  My life feels odd now, it is not grounded.  I feel aimless.  Even though I have goals, I feel like I am floating around without being able to concentrate.  I make up things I want to do but I am lost.  It is odd to realize you have nothing to share with anyone.  No one to care just about you.  To share intimate details with.  You could be happy and I won’t know.  I wanted to be happy with you and now it will not be.  You will live a separate life and continue on without me.  That kills me.

Some days I succeed more than others.  But more often than not something triggers a memory of you and I am back to square one.  I wish I could send this to you.  I wish that our last conservation didn’t end like it did.  You saying you hoped it wouldn’t be our last one and me hoping as well, but knowing it would be.  Sigh.  I hate this.



10 Responses to “letter to a black hole”

  1. 1 K*

    heartbrokedaily just broke my heart.

  2. I am saddened by this post. I understand heartbreak as well as anyone. But this post reminds me of the misery we inflict upon ourselves when we refuse to let go and move on. I hope that this writer can do that. Honey, remember fondly this great love, smile at the memories and move on. There’s plenty more good lovin’ out there. But you won’t get any if you don’t let go of the past.

  3. She is writing the thoughts and feelings that are in my heart. Each one of it.
    I hope that one day, we will be nice to ourselves, and not get hurt everytime.

  4. 4 chinchilla

    I miss everything about her. Everything. And I’m the one that sent her away. You don’t move on from that easily, when you’re the damned fool. Waiting for the epiphany…

  5. 5 the.sun.rises

    25 years ago i could have written that letter.
    27 years ago i moved across the country to get away from the memories.
    i dated… alot.
    i married twice and divorced.
    no one lived up to the memory of a love that was larger than life.
    then i moved back home.

    and he was 10 minutes away.
    my heart broke over and over, every time i saw him…. and his wife… and his children and his dog and his perfect little house on the corner with his perfect little life… all the while my mind screamed “it should have been me, it should have been me… IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!”

    he told me he married her to spite me.
    he told me i was the one he loved, the only one he’s ever loved.
    he told me he would never give up every “thing” he’s worked so hard for.

    he chose “things” over me… over us.. over our love.

    then something happened.

    i let it go.
    i forgave him. (forgiveness isnt about the other person, its about you)
    and i was able to finally move on and live life for me.
    not for what once was and would never be again.

    i’ve never been happier… now with a man who loves me for me… completely unconditionally.

    to the writer of that letter….you will heal and be better for it.

    *hugs*

  6. 6 thewilltolove

    Jesus. I always knew I wasn’t the only one, but those are my feelings in your writer’s words. Holy shit… I have goosebumps…

  7. To have me dangling by the string which neither of us has cut– but rather unravelled. To make a mess of everyone around us.

    “Oh! The tangled web we weave,” she said.

    I could preach to you about the health of your heart when it comes to cholestoral.. and oatmeal. And how you should not eat meat because it causes cancer. But what about the health of my own heart. A year later. Still wondering what crappy t-shirt you are wearing.. with what running shoes. If you love her as much as me, and how I managed to date and not love people not you. Does pride really lead to destruction, I’d say yes.

    I didn’t feel like coming here– but I didn’t want to stay home and cry— So here we are. the unhealthy heart kisses your eyelashes…. and we dance. At the sight of our laughs.. we knew it was all right. But anger has settled in my throat, knowing it was all wrong.

    Winter in Chicago.. it makes me lonely for your beer belly touching my back as we lay on my couch watching a shitty movie about art and graffiti. But, don’t get me wrong dear, usually I am doing well and nice.. and really quite better. I really do like my new boyfriend quite a lot, I just… write this stuff. It comes from my head and not my heart?

    Remember, the time you sat next to someone…. and your hearts were beating- and you pretended that you couldn’t tell that you both wanted to kiss. and you went home– never knowing.

    Sequester my heart, hold it close and move me to a one bedroom apartment in Chaing Mai. We will live the way we will live. It breaks my heart.

    I know you love me sometimes… when you break my heart… it’s only becaue you care, she said… and then refused to testify. Asking me for help for the spousal privalege. I shook my head, and said, it’s not what I believe in.

    We will barely break when getting by.

    But, I will help you with your DUI.

    Sometimes when everything is gray, find something black and white– and do what is wise.

    There are things that are better together, like the Jack Johnson song, I see it like peanut butter and banana… and speghetti with butter and salt and pepper, and love and hands touching underneath a table when no one else knows.. we can keep it secret- just come live with me and we will laugh. I will hold my arms in the air and let you tickle them for as many seconds as I can keep them up.

    yeah it’s always better when we are together. Yeah….. better together.. ooooooh ooooh oooh. Sitting on the El.. I knew I should be writing something about the new crop corn and old crop going higher.

    My dreams tonight should not be of you and me… or her and you.. or him and I dancing in a waterfall in a water park with a lot of people with tattoos running around with ankle bracelets.

    Do you find that the liklihood of wearing a silver ankle bracelet is directly proportionate to your level of education? I do. I know you would laugh if I told you that.. and he does not. He doesn’t get why that is funny. Kind of like he doesn’t get why a lot of our jokes were funny. Kind of like no one did. Really I promise, I am fine.

    i will be crazy as though no one who loves me is around…. and dance crazy… and laugh hard.. and wake up feeling empty in the mornin– because every one who loves me is not around.

    But you should never do that because I love you. With that deep part of my heart– where I hide my secrets and my honest laughter. The laughter that spark. Do you think someday, we will get back together? Or no.. probably not?

    It’s all either true or fake- isn’t it.

  8. 8 Rel

    I feel your pain :[

  9. 9 Sei

    Hang in there girl. Like many girls here, we all share that pain. But as much as the heart hurts, I want to believe that fairy tales can exist.

    *hugs*

  10. 10 August Symphony

    My exact sentiments. Letting go is much easier if we didn’t give a damn about that person so much.


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